Porking A Plenty

Let me say, by way of introduction, that Quentin Tarantino probably means well.
And it’s not really his intentions in the release of Grindhouse, a double feature co-helmed with Robert Rodriguez, that upset my sensibilities. Nor do I expect bad things from them. By all acounts it is, as with all of Tarantino’s films, a warm, loving tribute to the movies that sustained him through his youth, along with countless other video geeks across the world.
But… and here, folks, is the caveat: Tarantino’s films don’t achieve their implied purpose (to revive lost and forgotten genres of film and expose a new generation to them) because they overshadow and effectively bury the films they so lovingly honor.
So my purpose in all of this is clear: Before you rush off to see Tarantino’s latest mess, pay a visit, via the magic of home video, to the closet sized havens of 42nd Street, to the disreputable drive-ins of middle America, to the back alleys of Hollywood, to a world of flesh and fantasy, of silk stockings and sleazy producers, to the one, the only, the real Grindhouse.

That said, where better to start than the cornpone seductions of the legendary Harry Novak. The sleaze king had already distinguished himself with such classics as Please Don’t Eat My Mother and Mantis in Lace, and would presumably have kept churning out more of the same, if not for an insidious trend creeping along the outer edges of American society.
I speak, of course, of Hee Haw.
That sinister Canadian import made its way onto American television sets in 1969, and faster than you could say pig shit, hillbillies were cool.
Knowing a money maker when he saw one, Novak spent the next few years churning out cornball country sex romps, taking the genre to it’s apotheosis with the 1972’s The Pigkeeper’s Daughter.
On it’s face, there really is no difference between Pigkeeper’s Daughter and Novak’s other efforts during those crazed years, except that there’s something strangely charming about it, due in large part to the sweetly dim-witted (and possibly quaalade enhanced) performance of Terry Gibson in the titular role of Moonbeam Swiner.
The film begins down on the farm, as Moonbeam whispers sweet nothings into the little piggy ears of her favorite pet, Lord Hamilton. As the film progresses, it becomes discomfortingly easy to agree with her contention that “pigs is better than some people…”
Everything goes downhill from here. We are quickly introduced to Ma and Pa Swiner, a buxom brunette bombshell, and a slovenly drunken hillbilly, respectively, as we tune in on their exceedingly long conversation about the marital status (or lack thereof) of their nineteen year old daughter. What are they to do?
Meanwhile, Pretty Patty sits alone on a hilltop, plucking the petals from a daisy. “He loves me, he loves me not, he…” Oh no! Who’s that coming over the hill? Why, it’s Jasper, the big dumb stud, here to drool all over Pretty Patty’s underage bosoms. Let’s leave that one alone, shall we? Suffice it to say, Jasper gets frustrated, and goes to peddle his affections on Moonbeam, who is more than happy to oblige. Jasper (hereafter referred to as Mr. Dangly Balls – you’ll see why), goes to work, in a fairly cringe worthy scene.
It’s here that the movie takes an abrupt turn, and we begin to follow the fantastic voyage of an itinerant salesman, peddling his wares (among other things) to the citizens of bumpkinville. The following thirty minutes of celluloid are not really worth going into detail about, but a synopsis follows.
Salesman drives down the road, encountering, and subsequently fucking:
1) A naked hitchhiker with his wrists bound to his ankles and a hell of a hard luck story.
2) A roadside hooker with obscenely oversized funbags.
3) Ma Swiner
Meanwhile, Pretty Patty finally gets it on with Mr. Dangly Balls, after a completely pointless and inexplicable fight with Wyngate the farmhand.
I won’t spoil the grand finale, but I’ll tell you it involves a bathtub, a preacher, a shotgun, and yeah, you guessed it… more fucking.
See you next time, kids.



The Pigkeepers Daughter is available directly from Something Weird Video or at Video Oasis in Cambridge.



Next week: The birth of the sexploitation film.