Legwarmers and Unisex Booty Pants
Posted August 31st, 2005 by Amy-Gilbert
Have you ever looked through an old photo album at pictures of yourself in third grade and wondered “Why did my parents let me out of the house like that? Were they playing some sick joke on me?”. Now it seems that I always find myself looking at people on the street or in a club and wondering “What the hell were they thinking?”. You’d think that they would have learned something from the trauma inflicted upon them in elementary school. I think its time we examine the fashion and style mishaps that have become standard in certain counter-culture cliques and denounce them as ghastly errors in judgment by the so-called elite.
Case in point: Emo Guy. We have all seen Emo Guy standing outside of a small venue featuring some horribly depressing whiney band, sitting cross-legged on a bench in the mall, or perched atop the concrete ledge of a water fountain outside his favorite local (independent, mind you) coffee shop, cup of tea in one hand, book he is not reading but holding as if to say “Hey, I’m deep, I read too” in the other.
Emo Guy is skinny. Not thin, not slender, skinny. Karen Carpenter skinny. This is because he is vegan. Malnutrition is popular with the emo crowd. They figure you’ll have more things to be depressed about if you also deprive yourself of the four basic food groups. When I see Emo Guy I want to take him out and buy him a steak. News flash guys: don’t confuse pity from a woman as attraction! All those girls that hang out with Emo Guy are worried he’ll faint or blow away in a gale. They just hang out with him so someone is there to pick him up and take him to the hospital when he eventually collapses.
Because Emo Guy is so skinny he can’t wear men’s clothing. Girls, keep emo guy away from your closet. Having Emo Guy as a friend is kind of like having a little sister. He will steal your cute booty pants, studded belts, extra-long scarves, baby-doll T-shirts, and eyeliner.
Guys, please, drop the Emo Guy look. Its not attractive, it’s sad. Girls might think it’s cute for a second but once they see that you look better in their cute hip-huggers than they do, you’re done. Add the fact that girls eat half a chocolate chip cookie and gain 6 inches in their hips, whereas Emo Guy can down a veggie burrito and a couple of beers and actually lose weight, and you’ve just given your girlfriend an eating disorder and/or trendy coke habit.
Ladies, don’t think I’ll leave you out of this. I remember about six years ago people dressed up as 80’s for Halloween and we all thought it was campy and funny. Cut to 2005 on the dance floor of your local indie-rock club and all I see are fluorescent orange earrings, legwarmers, black stiletto heels, and shoulder slung t-shirts. The only difference between now and twenty years ago are the hair styles. Then: the curly, hair-sprayed to death, bangs-to-heaven look. Now: dyed black with a few patches of bleach blonde looking like a cross between a faux-hawk and a mullet.
Another issue: wearing articles of clothing in ways other than their intended use. I am picturing the tube top that is now worn as a mini skirt; or Legwarmers with fishnets and stilettos. I don’t really want to have full view of your crotch every time you bend over to pull up the hot pink legwarmers sliding down your calves. And by the way, you are not in ballet class and judging from the skimpiness of the rest of your ensemble I don’t think that warmth is the first thing on your mind. So please stop, just stop.
Girls, you’re going to be looking at pictures of yourself in about ten years and say once again “I actually thought that looked good?” Hey, I’m a sucker for 80’s fashion too, but there’s a point where I have to cut it off. Believe me, the 80’s were bad when they were the 80’s. Now in this overly-stylized pop influenced version of 80’s fashion we all just look stupid. Seriously, look at yourself in the mirror for five straight minutes and think it over, you look like a clown and you’re going to need bunion surgery in about four months from overexposure to five-inch heels.
In short here’s what you have to remember. Guys: eat some food and wear something that you didn’t steal from your sister’s closet. Girls: fluorescent green isn’t all its cracked up to be. If we all remember these simple rules I think we’ll be just fine.
